Why Santa Wears Red: He IS a Socialist

 by Marinela Pervataj

Santa is a Socialist. We are now well into December and socialism is at large! A geriatric Karl Max in a red suit can be found just about everywhere: on your wrapping paper, woven into polyester jumpers and in garden centres up and down the country. All this praise of a Socialist leader, how incredibly festive. No this is not North Korea, December is the month the world embraces the Kim Jong Un of the North Pole - Santa Claus. The argument for our dear Santa being a Socialist is water-tight. Not yet convinced? This report has come directly from a Christmas enthusiast, unadulterated by the Christmas State …but can we take a moment to appreciate just how wonderful Santa is. 

The Presents

The process by which presents end up under your tree is obviously a left-leaning operation. The Santa Claus Industry is a not-for-profit organisation. The evidence: if Santa was profiting from his Christmas enterprise it would surely have resulted in him relocating to a warm island somewhere in the Pacific and consulting Elon Musk for an update on the sleigh. The present-making operation remains humble, with one pure intention: ensuring that all children of the world are equally provided for. Are we leaving credit cards beneath trees in return for gifts? Does Santa spend Boxing Day counting his Christmas bounty? Of Course not! Presents by Santa are free. (Obviously dependent on the naughty and nice list). Father Marx noted that profit is a result of surplus value being leeched from labour, but, as previously asserted, Santa does not receive any profit, therefore there must be no exploitation of elf labour. So when the 25th of December rolls round enjoy your gifts guilt free knowing they come from a place of collegiality and pleasant working conditions. 

Christmas Informants 

Christmas informants lurk everywhere and, not to alarm you, but it is likely that you will share your Christmas turkey with one. They take on the most insidious of forms. The naive looking elf on the shelf - a loyal informer to Santa; parents, supporters of the Christmas party reminding children consistently through the year of the consequence of dissidence; even the Alexa acts as an attentive ear for Santa. Those who conform and are loyal to the Christmas Party make the coveted nice list and those who dare to commit even the smallest of thought crimes are condemned to the naughty list. What is more Socialist than rewarding collective obedience. And what do those blacklisted by Santa receive: the dreaded carbon, coal beneath the tree acts as a simple reminder of the consequence of fraying from the Christmas Party… 

The Attire

Santa Claus is easily identifiable as a Socialist: he is a Caucasian male, has an avalanching white beard and proudly dons his party colours on overseas visits. It is obvious that Mr Claus is the muse for socialists across the globe, if further convincing is required, analyse photos of these following Socialists and note the similarities:

Saint Nicholas

Santa Claus most evidently developed his Socialist Christmas model from his left-wing predecessor Saint Nicholas. St Nick was the perfect Socialist, he took his riches and distributed them to the poor, devoting his life to employing equality. The Socialist notion of good-willed gift-giving has continued. In fact the Socialist Christmas party has been easy to maintain, Mr Claus has no need to invest in advertising; the loyal supporters of his party are willing to provide the propaganda. Mariah Carey is rewarded as one of the most prolific supporters of the Socialist cause, defrosting around November to spread the Christmas message to all. 

The Propaganda

The Christmas propaganda system is intricate and advanced, infiltrating your home and thoughts seamlessly. As the last trick-or-treaters leave at Halloween, all minds turn to Christmas. This is a result of a propaganda system that has been scrupulously implemented by Father Christmas himself. Your day to day through December is consumed by Christmas propaganda: you wake in the morning and open your Advent calendar; cleverly crafted in uniform cardboard boxes that heighten the anticipation for the big day; your following commute will likely involve listening to some auditory propaganda in the form of Christmas songs; throughout the day you will consume a variety of christmas goods (perhaps a Christmassy meal deal); your day will likely end enjoying a Christmas film. Christmas propaganda has become so advanced that Santa Claus no longer requires to create new material, people are more than willing to conform and make it for our great Christmas hero - just look at the John Lewis ads. Christmas propaganda is in fact so successful that people have gone as far as choosing their favourite forms, for some it may be The 'Fairy Tale of New York', for others a traditional Christmas carol may be their propaganda of choice - my favourite personally, is the film Nativity ( the first one obviously). 

The Elves 

Have you heard of the Elf trade unions? Have Elves ever gone on strike? No don't be ridiculous they aren’t ASLEF- the North Pole is the Socialist epicentre for the world. Elves are easily identifiable as being part of a Socialist enterprise by their state-issued uniform. They work in an organised manner in Santa’s Grotto; no elf is more important than the other. The Christmas making organisation is what all companies should aspire to - quality products delivered on time - something that another red organisation (The Royal Mail) can only dream of. 

Disregard for Borders

Another telling factor that Santa is a Socialist is his utter disrespect for borders. If Santa had to stop at border control for every country he visited then the whole Christmas affair would last much of December. Countries are happy to let Santa through their borders because of their compliance with the great Socialist cause. Santa does not fly through the sky flooded with visas, nor do his reindeers require special pet passports. 

Here I conclude my case - its obvious Santa is the greatest Socialist, something Stalin could only have dreamed of achieving. So, as you sip on your mulled wine this Christmas, make sure to make a toast to the great Socialist who has facilitated this holiday - Santa Claus.