by Francis Brown
(source: Guiseppe Argenziano)
With Mars entering its third pillage of the lunar village
just before dawn, and Earth falling accordingly out of astral alignment with
reality for the second time this year, you’re sure to be paying us a visit
sometime this week. As you enter the store, a combination of prevailing
north-easterly solar winds and our brand new Incomprehensible-Yet-Creamy One
Way System might well waft you towards the alcohol section in preparation for
the weeks to come. Here, you will find hand-selected hand sanitisers from some
of the newest and most exciting vineyards in the world, in a variety of
textures ranging from slippery-and-awkward to dry-and-weirdly-grainy. Why not
treat yourself and your remaining loved ones by taking advantage of our
pandemic special ‘one-for-the-price-of-three’ offer? Whilst the increasingly
indulgent-yet-nutritious pull of Venus might put you in a romantic mood, if
you’re having some ‘you-time’ this evening, stop by our household cleaning
section and ask a member of staff to help you pair some industrial-strength
bleach with your dinner. Before you leave, the waning of Jupiter’s third moon
may lead you to the baking isle to stock up for your ninth attempt at sourdough
this year; let’s be honest, the sourdough starter does a better imitation of
sentience than you do at this point.
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