Satire: Donald Trump In Portsmouth

As the presumptive Republican nominee dominates American political news, Will Dry imagines what would have happened if Donald Trump had been born in Portsmouth. 

Portsmouth is going to hell, let me tell you. We suffer from immigration like we've never seen before. These Islanders swim over from across the Solent and they are not sending their best. Now I love Islanders, I get on very well with Islanders, some of my best people are Islanders, but the Island leaders are much smarter than our leaders. We need to build a great great wall, and get the Islanders to pay for it. We need a total and complete shutdown of Islanders immigrating into our great city. We have a problem, folks. Some of the Islanders hate our city. We need a complete shutdown before we can figure out what the hell is going on.  

Portsmouth has other problems. Our political leaders are weak. I know em all.  Liars. Dirtbags. Lightweights. No idea what they're doing. Not a deal maker among them. Total losers. And some of their behaviour. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Excuse me, excuse me. If I behaved like that, the corrupt Portsmouth News – terrible newspaper, a failed newspaper - would have covered it very differently.. very differently. 

We don't win any more in Portsmouth. We lose on trade, we lose on our military, and we lose in sports. We lose to York. We lose to Plymouth. We lose to Newport. They're all low energy. We need high energy.  Hollands, Doyle, Freeman – too slow. We need fast.  

We lose on our military. Portsmouth used to have great ships.. the biggest ships. HMS Victory, Mary Rose – great ships. Look what we have today? Nothing. Let me tell you, nothing. Lord Nelson would be turning in his grave. Do you know how long it would take for Nelson to beat ISIS? A week. It's true folks. It's true.  

I went to the best school. The Portsmouth Grammar School. I graduated top of my class, out of many talented individuals. My teacher used to say "Mr Trump, Mr Trump, if only every student could be like you?", and I was honored, very honored.  For many months in a row, I was both Economics and Business Studies Pupil of The Month. I was also a great athlete. I don't want to go into it because I don't want to brag but I was the best athlete.  

Folks, I came into this because I had to, not because I wanted to. Our city is going to hell. We need to turn around our infrastructure. We need jobs. They have been sucked out of Portsmouth to Southampton, and Gosport. These places are not our friends folks. Our politicians have signed some of the worst deals in the history of deals. They wanted to make the Spinnaker Tower red – red! Disgusting. I will make the best deals. I will bring back our jobs. I will rebuild our military which has been gutted since Nelson. Folks, I will Make Portsmouth Great Again. 

Donald J Trump