by Harry Dry
Karren Brady |
January
Man Utd’s season continues to unravel as they go 3-0 down
inside half an hour against a resurgent Cardiff, with the Stretford End almost
empty before half-time and silent long before even then. Cardiff win 3-1 following
a late consolation from Van Persie, but Vincent Tan calls an emergency meeting
with senior figures in the club hierarchy (all, by now, members of his
immediate family) in light of the second half performance and they agree unanimously
that Solskjaer’s position has become untenable. Vincent Tan later installs
himself as the new manager.
United’s own problems spread to off the field as the Glazers sell
their majority shareholding, leaving the club riddled with debt but desperate
to qualify for the Champions League and salvage some dignity from Moyes’s
ignominious debut season. Ryan Giggs comes to the rescue on transfer deadline
day by melting down his 13 Premier League medals and offering the resulting
metal plus Tom Cleverley to Newcastle in exchange for Hatem Ben Arfa. United
fans rejoice as the deal goes through with four minutes to spare and the
Geordies, although initially incensed, soon acquiesce when Mike Ashley watches
Cleverley play and sacks the hapless Joe Kinnear for his role in signing him.
February
After West Ham’s losing run stretches to nine games, Karren
Brady regretfully fires Big Sam and sets up a televised competition during the
international break to decide his successor. Joe Kinnear is an early favourite
but some questionable claims on his CV are ruthlessly scrutinised during the interview
stage and Malky Mackay is eventually hired as manager. A disgruntled Kinnear
leaves in a taxi and tells the camera ‘It was the wrong decision. I ain’t
exaggerated anything for centuries.’
March
Nicklas Bendtner spurns a host of chances as Arsenal lose on
away goals to Bayern Munich in the Champions League. Wenger remains unruffled,
stating somewhat predictably in his post-match press conference ‘Next year our
young players will be one year older…with greater mental strength our time will
come.’ Piers Morgan leads a social media mutiny against the forlorn Arsenal
boss for failing to buy a replacement striker in January with #InArseneWeRust
trending worldwide.
April
James Milner |
Adan Januzaj is deemed eligible to play for England and
marks his debut with a first half hat-trick in a friendly against Denmark. With
the spot on the right wing nailed down, James Milner subsequently announces his
international retirement. BBC Sport pay tribute to Milner’s England career,
producing a video montage of him tracking back to little effect and struggling
to beat full-backs.
very funny piece, bring on part 2
ReplyDeletethis is brilliant
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