American High Schools: A View From Across The Water

by Melissa Smith

So, in my time as a human on this planet I have exposed my eyes to many a thing or two. Among which have been American movies and TV shows, my personal favourite being Mean Girls, the god of all films ever made, as I’m sure many would agree. A lot of other shows I’ve watched also happen to be set in high schools, such as 90210, Clueless, and Glee (don’t judge me).

Now I don’t know whether it’s just me being from England and unaware of the happenings across the water, but there a few things about these high schools that I’d just like to examine. So here are a few things that I can conclude about American high schools. Based on my TV viewing . . .

1) First of all, they all look about 26. Now I’m 17, so I’m guessing a lot of high school students are my age and I’m kind of confused as to why they look ten years older… Is there something in the water there that makes people grow fast? Do they sneak hormones into school lunches? I can’t really think of any other explanation, other than Americans being some sort of mutant human race that skips the teenage years?

2) Secondly, they turn up to school looking like they got lost on the way to a fashion shoot. Why is it that all the girls there seem to have faces full of makeup that look like it took them 5 hours? I’m guessing American girls are pretty good at getting up early in the morning, all that hair curling must take forever! Also, their wardrobes seem to be restocked every week with some different kind of designer clothes. They must all be super rich!

3) I’ve noticed that there are no ugly people. Seriously, not one. As well as being dressed perfectly every day, they all seem to be naturally beautiful or at least they cover up their ugliness very well. It’s crazy. Do they take some sort of drug at birth? If there’s any of that available I would much appreciate it.

4) Another thing. It seems to be perfectly okay to kiss each other’s boyfriends. Not only this but it happens regularly. I can only assume that this is commonplace in these sorts of establishments. Maybe they just assume a sort of what’s mine is yours kind of attitude when it comes to relationships. I mean, it looks a little incestuous, but if that floats your boat . . .

5) And finally, and what I think is probably the most important thing, is that they never actually seem to do work. Like ever. I’m pretty sure they use their schools for the same purpose as we do over here, so it’s strange how they never actually seem to do anything mildly productive. They go to classes sure, but they’re probably too busy sleeping with their best friend's boyfriend or too worried about their adopted brother’s drug addiction to hand in any papers. Mind you, between all the partying and getting ready, I see how they may be a little pushed for time!