The 'Ginger' Issue

by Charlie Albuery

I’m going to have to start with a disclaimer. Just so we’re all clear, I understand that prejudice is still an issue in modern society and I don’t mean to make light of that; this article is purely intended to entertain.

The world’s largest sperm bank, Cyros, has recently stopped accepting donations from people with red hair.  If we ‘gingers’ begin to die out, I will be legitimately angry at whoever made that decision.

In the last fifty years, all forms of prejudice have become unacceptable in our society and those who show prejudice are quite rightly ostracised.  Due to the suffragettes and a huge amount of nagging, women have now got it into their heads that they have equal rights too (I am joking, of course!).

But, seriously, much like the Hydra from Greek mythology, you cut one head from the awful beast that is prejudice and another crops up. People feel they need someone to ostracize and, as all forms of prejudice become unacceptable, the prejudiced must start scraping the barrel of -isms.

I am talking, of course, of ‘ginger-ism’

As someone with orange hair, I feel I must do my part to end prejudice in this world, so here come the three reasons you should love gingers:

(image: villagegreen.com)

1 – Gingers Are Straight-Up Awesome

Some of the toughest people in the world are ginger. And, by some of the toughest people in the world, I mean: Chuck Norris. Go tell him he hasn’t got a soul (see South Park, below) and you won’t have a face…

It’s widely accepted that gingers make the best sidekicks. You all know where I’m going with this. Without his trusty sidekick, Ron, Harry Potter would never have got a flying car, and, without Amy Pond, the eleventh doctor would’ve . . . well . . . OK. Fine. Amy Pond never did anything useful (but come on, guys).

(image: drwhovians.com)

Also, me.

(image: comicvine.com)

2 – Everybody Loves an Underdog

Who wants to see the Empire win when you watch Star Wars (those few of you who are thinking ‘yes’ in an attempt to spite me, you are dead inside)? The fact is that we root for the loveable band of misfits fighting to overcome the big society. In this (relatively convoluted) metaphor, the gingers are the rebels and everybody else in the universe is the Empire.

If I may continue this metaphor (which I can), South Park is basically the Death Star.

The rumour perpetuated by popular animated series South Park that I, and other gingers like me, do not have a soul, has become more a part of pop-culture than the rumour that RIngo was never a part of the Beatles (no, I will not let that go!).

3 – This Stuff Just Isn’t True!

Ok, this is the one where I get angry.

It’s nothing to do with copper.

I have a soul.

My mother didn’t eat Wotsits while pregnant.

And, believe it or not, I’m relatively good-humoured. If you can come up with an interesting and genuinely funny ginger joke please tell me. I haven’t heard one in a long time.

So, in conclusion, you’re all storm troopers and I’m Chewbacca. We all know who wins there.