Why Santa is NOT a Socialist

 by Simon Lemieux

You may be labouring under the delusional assumption that Father Christmas with his red clothing and red-nosed reindeer distributing gifts to all and sundry without a care to the cost, is a by-word for unrestrained spending and largesse: the epitome of state socialism and cheerful welfarism no less. In the rest of this carefully* researched piece drawing on dodgy stereotypes, stretched facts, myth and plenty of conjecture, I seek to prove the opposite. Santa, it will be argued, is no less than the embodiment of unrestrained capitalism and of other classic tropes associated with the political right.

Forced Labour

Hate to say it, folks, but jolly old Santa embraces enslaved elf labour. Their workshops are places of year-round toil and drudgery, unpaid one suspects, barely paid the minimum wage if at all, and probably trafficked to the North Pole by unscrupulous individuals to work for their rotund gang-master. Is it a gulag, a North Korean work camp or merely a sweatshop, who knows, but have any elves escaped to tell their story? I think not. Consider, too, the geography – frozen wastelands, far removed from civilisation, truly a gulag archipelago. Yet Santa himself works one day a year, living off the profits created by his captive workers for the other 364. No elf and safety legislation here, replete with working conditions that make your average Amazon fulfilment centre look like a holiday camp.

Who Pays?

But surely, I hear you say, Santa is a kind old man who gives away toys and presents to good children and grown ups on the basis of whether they are ‘naughty or nice’. Well, consider this: how come, if he is such a charitable individual, all the kids from well off families get the latest edition of COD**, a brand new mountain bike, the latest iPhone, designer clothes etc, while those in poorer households get cast-offs from Poundland, second-hand toys and last year’s Barbie annual? If Santa is about levelling up social and economic disparity, then forget it. Santa in fact amplifies existing inequalities and furthermore flaunts it in our faces from childhood. The rich get richer: you know the rest. Clearly, Santa is paid by wealthy parents to ‘present provide’, all major credit cards and Apple Pay accepted. Oh, and lastly, on this theme, when did you ever enter a franchise of Santa for free, think ‘Santa’s Grotto’ at a local Christmas fayre or department store? Nope, thought not; there’s always an entry fee: kerching! More money for the man in red. If Santa were a socialist it would be free entry, gifts for all, and no tears on hearing he has run out of PS5.

A Bastion of Patriarchy

Again, the right-wing is most associated with traditional gender roles, and again Santa is no exception. Where is Mrs Claus, a co-partner, sharing in the reindeer driving? Of course not, she is invisible and hidden, probably doing ‘womanly chores’, cleaning, cooking, washing out that red uniform. If Santa’s economic structures represent the worst type of unregulated offshore capitalism, his domestic arrangements resemble and reinforce the patriarchal structure with all its gender-based oppression and suppression.

Climate Change Denier

Another attribute of elements of the right is that, clearly Santa has no regard for the pristine vegetation and habitat of the polar region. His industrial-scale workshops must pollute ad nauseum their environment, add in reindeer methane, and he basically contributes to climate change on the scale of Big Oil and the US and China. Oh, and if that’s not bad enough, he loves chimneys used to burn fossil fuels. No chimney, only a heat-source pump or solar panels to heat your house; forget a visit from the red bearded one anytime soon…

The Colour Itself

But surely red is the colour of revolutionaries and socialism, you exclaim, how can Santa be anything less than a card-carrying Marxist? Well, cast your eyes across the pond. In America, red is the colour of the Republicans, and what colour tie does their chief apostle, Donald J Trump wear, and what is the colour of the MAGA hat? You already know the answer. And if further proof were needed…

Tradition

Remember the conservative love of tradition, those Burkean reminders of belonging, tried and trusted down the centuries? Well, again look no further than St Nick. Whether it’s putting out milk and carrots by the fireplace or writing your list/letter (incidentally, grooming the younger generation for the internet retail experience later in life – click and add to basket), tradition abounds. Why are letters to Father Christmas posted not emailed?  Because it’s all about tradition, and tradition is the core value of much of political conservatism.

The Role of History

As you may well know, the origins of a red-robed Santa actually goes back to an advertising campaign for Coca Cola, further evidence of his long time association with capitalist corporations. Also, his historical origins, or more accurately those of his alter ego, St Nicholas, suggest deeper and even more historic associations with capitalist exploitation. St Nicholas is also the patron saint of . . . pawnbrokers. So there you have it: he lends you the money to buy toys from him, your debt gets ever bigger your chances to escape financial fiefdom diminish over the years; you are enslaved every bit as much as his elves and beasts of burden. Talking of which, what do you think happens to his reindeer when they are too old or infirm to carry him around the world? I very much doubt there’s a reindeer sanctuary in the North Pole, more likely a series of commercial freezers offering options for a different Christmas Day meat dish.

Demographics

And finally, the clincher: who is most likely to vote for parties of the Right? Older, white men aka stale, pale and male. I rest my case and raise my glass!

  

*Checked for typos and unfestive analysis that is

**Call of Duty, a charming computer game full of festive violence, abuse in all forms etc etc.