Ok, so I’m not actually an insomniac, but due to an interesting turn of events, (the evidence seems to point to excessive caffeine intake, but I’m still waiting for the lab results) I ended up awake all night, which eventually concluded in a rather unimpressive sunrise. And so, as an interesting insight into how caffeine can affect someone’s sanity, I hereby present my version of the events.23:13 - Decide to call it a day and get into bed, only to realise that sleep eludes me. Proceed to lie awake for half an hour.
23:43 - Still no sleep, the laptop is called upon in hope that staring at a screen will bring on some form of drowsiness.
23:53 - Have exhausted all possibilities on tumblr, so decide to try my hand at making GIFs,
23:54 - This is harder than it looks.
00:03 - Have made the grand total of two GIFs, both equally terrible.
00:05 - Decide to start a blog.
00:17 - Start an internet quest to work out how to put music on it, only to find that the software isn’t supported my Apple. This has got to be discrimination. I call it ‘Macism’ and there will be a protest march on Saturday outside Bill Gates’ house.
00:28 - Notice the laptop’s battery is running dangerously low, so as an act of mercy decide to give it a break.
00:29 - Attempt sleep once more. Still nothing.
00:36 - Things have become desperate, so in an attempt to bore myself to sleep, resort to the reading list. Begin reading Bill Bryson’s ‘A Short History of Nearly Everything’.
01:05 - Have become bored of impossibly small and large numbers. That cuts out nuclear physics as a possible sleep-inducing activity. Unfortunately, not quite bored enough to sleep.
01:32 - Eventually give into the fact that the Sandman buggered of to Greece or something, so venture downstairs.
01:33 - Received the death stare from the cats, so promptly park myself in-between them and begin to scroll through the fascinating world of late-night telly.
01:34 - Find a Mock the Week episode from 2005. I am witnessing an incredible piece of history: Frankie Boyle is not actually being racist or discriminatory in any way.
02:29 - Two episodes of Mock the Week later, and we find American Dad lurking in the nether reaches of the TV guide. His chin is the stuff of nightmares.
03:31 - After coming to the realisation that American Dad is indeed awful (and that he probably has a cancerous growth on his chin, a ‘chin tumor’), we turn to the kids' shows. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
03:42 - Still in shock from witnessing an incredibly disturbing piece of television from Milkshake, called The Angels of Jarm. I don’t even know how they came up with the name ‘Jarm’, but it seems to be a golden caravan in a field on the other side of the rainbow. I think the aim of the programme was to teach kids not to be rude, but my views were strongly opposed by the cats who strongly believe that it was Creationist propaganda to cement the belief in angels.
03:49 - Have learned Incy Wincy Spider and Humpty Dumpty in sign language. The presenters were far too patronising so have decided to write a strongly worded email to the producers.
03:58 -With the majority of my sanity gone, it seems Deal or No Deal is the most interesting thing on TV.
03:04 - Have long wondered how this game is played so this should be worthwhile. Also why Noel Edmonds’ eyes are so blue…
03:26 - Still do not understand this game at all.03:31 - Seem to have grasped a basic understanding.
03:49 - I have come to the conclusion that Deal or No Deal could be played without boxes, the stupid actor people and Noel Edmonds. Admittedly the latter is not as controversial as the other two.
04:02 - Have discovered a fascinating documentary about the brain and early monkey experiments. Unfortunately, my brain has lost all but three of its brain cells, so it's not really going in…
04:14 - Damn these adverts.
04:15 - The only other thing on is the Teletubbies. Hey ho, beggars can’t be choosers.
04:17 - I have just witnessed a bearded man called The Stick or perhaps David convince a group of children to shout names of fruit while waving their arms around. Twice. All on the belly of a simian-esque creature with an antenna on its head. And this is a children's show.
04:19 - Phew, back to the psychology documentary. The only sane thing on.
04:24 - Lala is on the floor laughing because the periscope hooter thing said “sausages, wausages, nausages, pausages, fausages, sausages”, and the voice over guy claims it's a ‘funny joke’. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THERE IS NO PUNCHLINE. ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. STOP LYING TO CHILDREN.
04:51 Have decided to stop watching The Teletubbies because the juxtaposition between the two programmes is too much. Also I think that they would get better TV reception if their antennae weren't triangles.
05:27 - A programme just ended on the line “And today, Amadeus learned that fairy cakes can be fairy heavy!” Ending on a pun like that is not ok. I nearly cringed through the sofa.
05:29 - Finally found a safe programme. Albeit slightly dull.
05:43 - I never knew how steel wool was made. Or really cared.
05:46 - Okay, this narrator dude has abused the trust I gave to this programme by doing stupid puns. “I haven’t seen any steel sheep yet…” I hate puns. They should be made illegal.
And so concludes the account. I hope a researcher sometime in the distant future finds this and realises the serious threat drinking coffee after 3pm poses on one’s bed time. From now on, its decaf for me.