Thursday, 9 January 2014

We Need To Talk About Kevin

by Charlie Albuery
 
(source: npr)

I want to talk about Bacon.

Not bacon the delicious breakfast meat, or Francis Bacon the British philosopher of the sixteenth and seventeenth century, not Richard Bacon the seemingly unjustifiably smug radio presenter, but the best bacon, the alpha bacon, the prime bacon, the bacon novus if you will.

Kevin Bacon!

I’m essentially considering this a public service announcement as many of you are possibly most aware of the almighty Bacon from those irritating EE adverts in which he stars. Most of you probably think he does those out of shamless money grabbing. You’d be correct, but he’s engaging in shameless money grabbing, not because he isn’t the messiah of actors, as I consider him, but because he lost all of his money (bar $14) in the Madoff Ponzi banking scheme!

So, those EE adverts are his one negative, although clearly justifiable, aspect of Bacon’s career, here are the two primary positives.
REASON THE FIRST – He’s a great actor and he’s in great movies, no debate, end of story.

As Sebastian Shaw in X-Men First Class he beat down a giant blue cat/bear/wolf abomination of nature, a nerdy screaming child, Katniss Everdeen, a street thug with magical nipple-lasers and the mighty Fassy-B, aided only by January Jones’ atrocious acting (which is only outstripped by her lack of general charisma) and his lone super power, the power of being awesome, and pulling off a rather fetching white suit.


(WARNING – The next paragraph is primarily dumb song-name jokes, no hard feelings if you want to skip it)

In Footloose he was a sheriff, and, to the joy of the socially-inept everywhere, he banned dancing. He literally banned dancing. I kid you not. (He also tried to run over some children in a tractor, but that was a literally morally grey, we try to ignore that).
He stopped the beat; he halted the motion of the ocean.
He stopped them, now.
This one wasn’t for dancing (that one goes out to my friends who force me to listen to music released after ’88 – see, I do take some of it in).
He did, in fact, blame it on the boogie.
He didn’t want to dance with somebody, even somebody who loved him.
He stopped the music.
He had no time for Billy Idol.
He refused to get jiggy wit’ it. (oh, sorry, my nineties is showing)
He stayed decidedly away from the groove, refusing to get into it.
He refused to badadadadada-bamba.
He wouldn’t have been particularly opposed to blood on the dancefloor.
In fact, he was always in favour of panic at the disco (oh, another cool one there)
He didn’t dance, he didn’t dance. He didn’t dance and his friends didn’t dance so they weren’t no friends of mi-ine.
He never shook his groove thang. (yes – ‘thang’).
When seen walking down the street; he wasn’t walking in time. He didn’t got the beat.
He refused to jump OR shout. (despite actually being in Animal House)
He was never taught how to Dougie.
No sir, he couldn’t boogie.
He was happy on his back; he shouldn’t have been dancing, NOOOOOOOO.

He didn’t feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today.
(What?! I warned you)

f you’re still reading this, thank you. Even I get bored of my ramblings sometimes. However, as a reward for your commitment, you are one of maybe four people ever who will be privy to
REASON THE SECOND!

Kevin Bacon

Knits together

The universe
‘What?!’ I hear you cry from incredulity.
‘Yes, you heard me’ I respond, before prompting you to follow the link below to see for yourself.

This is, regardless of context, my favourite website. Ever.

This website uses Kevin Bacon as a starting point from which to link together every actor in the universe, due to the incredible oversaturation of the great and powerful Kevin within everyday life he connects EVERY OTHER ACTOR.

Bacon is so fundamental to our universe in this sense that I challenge ANY of you to offer a reason any other actor is superior, in any way, any way at all.

Kevin, if you’re reading this, I love you.

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