From the Archives: Why Christmas is a Bit Weird

by Oli Price

Before I start: this isn’t an attack on Christmas. I could never do that; it is my favourite time of the year. It’s just that I’ve been noticing that, as we get closer to the big day, everyone’s logical behaviour goes out of the window. And here I’m going to analyse it.

The Christmas tree: The Christmas tree came to Britain in the 1850s when Prince Albert introduced it to Victorian society; since then, it has become an essential part of the Christmas festivities. However, if you take a step back and look at the tradition of putting up and decorating the Christmas tree, you rapidly discover it is a bit strange. I mean, if at any other time of the year I were to bring a tree, predominantly an outside thing, inside the house, my parents would probably have me checked out by a doctor. However, once December hits, it’s not only acceptable to bring trees into the house, but it is also perfectly normal to decorate your new living room foliage with lights and a small woman on top.

Christmas music: Do not mistake me, I really love Christmas music; however, there are some absolute shockers out there, for example Robbie Williams’ Christmas single, Walk this Sleigh, was so atrocious it probably increased the number of Jehovah’s Witnesses for that year. Furthermore, Chris Rea’s Driving Home for Christmas is a genuinely terrible song that wouldn’t get any air time if it didn’t have “Christmas” in the title; as such, every year this turd of a record is wheeled out and pumped through supermarket loudspeakers to my irritation.

The Christmas Jumper: On this matter, I’m going to make no apologies; I’ve never quite understood the appeal of the Christmas jumper. Furthermore, I had hoped that, like Christmas music, it would only have seasonal appeal, and that, once January hits, the Christmas jumper would go away for another year. However, sometimes this isn’t the case (see photograph above). Overall, these jumpers are incredibly naff and should only be allowed on Christmas day, if at all.

The Christmas Lunch: This is actually my favourite part of Christmas; after a day of drinking with breakfast (deemed acceptable on Christmas Day), bringing more plants (in this case, mistletoe) into your home and kissing people underneath them like a perverted gardener (also acceptable at Christmas), you finally sit down with everyone and eat an amazing lunch. However, thinking about it, even the Christmas lunch is a bit weird. I mean, sometimes you stuff the turkey you’re going to eat with another animal. The strange behaviour doesn’t end there: before the meal, each person at the table will set off some festive before-lunch explosives with the opposite diner, and, to add a weird element of competition to it, one of them will win a prize --- usually some tiny screwdrivers.

All in all, despite the fact that, from an outsider’s perspective, British Christmas looks pretty strange, my intention wasn’t to have a Scrooge-like rant about Christmas since I don’t know what we would do without it. So Merry Christmas everyone!