Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Hollister : A Short Play

by Charlie Albuery

Int. A dark room, like seriously, crazily dark, there are random plants and Chesterfield sofas dotted around; it smells of own-brand Hollister deodorant and pretension.

Our young, dashing hero, Charlie, enters through an unnecessary porch and an entrance irritatingly marked ‘Dudes’ – he notes the other entrance is marked ‘Betties’ and proceeds to curmudgeonly mutter; this continues throughout the scene.

Charlie – Why did we have to come in here?
Charlie’s cousin (who is far too brand-aware for his own good) – Because I want a Hollister shirt!

Charlie goes to berate his cousin but is interrupted as a scantily clad woman resembling a Disney princess emerges from behind a large, artificial, utterly unnecessary spider plant.

Bikini-Ariel – Hi, welcome to Hollister (She smiles in a way akin only to Heath Ledger in his excellent portrayal of the Joker.) Can I interest you boys in anything?
Charlie(Aware his cousin will attempt to flirt with this woman as she has a face and an oxygen supply) No we’re good thanks.

Charlie is, by this point, aware he is going to write this article, he notes, and is further irritated by the crystal chandelier and elephant-pattern wallpaper – by this point convinced the gaudily decorated doors were in fact a looking glass and he is now in a bizarre world where a raven is like a writing desk.

Charlie – Ok, I’m gonna write a thing about this, I’ll get a photo of myself in one of the shirts for, like, a punch line.
Charlie’s cousin – I am one of Hollister’s brainless fringe-zombies, you should buy one

He turns to a second modal/shop assistant/epitome of perfection

Charlie – Do you have anything in an XL?
Tank-Top Tiana- No, sorry (She cracks a smile that clearly says ‘Not a place for you – fatty’)
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Charlie – But he’s like 6’5’ and he’s got one of the shirts on (he indicates Abs McGee who is straightening an utterly appropriately placed portrait of a Chihuahua)

Tank-Top Tiana(apparently not realising repetition was not an acceptable response to Charlie’s point) No, sorry.

Charlie harrumphs and makes his way over to take a photo with a rack of the Hollister shorts; he goes to take a photo with these as a substitute for his original plan.

Colonel Swiggety Swag – Sorry sir, you’re not allowed to take photos in Hollister
Charlie(Now angered by the surprising consistency with which he has been apologized to in the last 90 seconds) I’m sorry, are you serious?
Captain Gel-Fringe (n.b. same person as Colonel Swiggety Swag) – Yeah buddy, but you can take photos in the porch way.
Charlie (apparently General Arm-Flexer’s buddy) – What is a porch way?
Sergeant Bright-Shorts – The bit outside
Charlie(sarcastically) Oh, so I can take photos outside of Hollister? How kind of you…

Charlie storms from the shop, tripping over a miscellaneous collection of surfboards and overpriced bracelets as he goes. He turns to beckon his cousin to follow him, at which point he sees the ‘Betties’ sign again, and storms away in disgust, never to return.

‘Don’t You Forget About Me’ plays as Charlie walks towards the front of the stage. Casting a middle finger up into the air and backward toward the store, he freezes.


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