Caveman Relationship Advice

by Nathaniel Charles

This article has nearly nothing to do with Christmas.



Bring out your inner Ug
(image source:thesocialgods.com)

Maintaining a happy and functioning relationship can be hard. I can’t speak for the girls but for a man Jennifer Aniston rom-coms and shopping can be tortuous. More often then not you wish that there was something else you could do to ensure that your mate (sorry --- girlfriend) stays with you.

That’s where caveman relationship advice comes in: an easy way to be in a fulfilling relationship and go hunting for reindeer (there’s my one concession to Christmas).

Some tips:

1)      Ensure you’re the alpha male: Be more Citius, Altius, Fortius than all of your rivals; do this and remain her best option. Wrestling bears, 200-meter swimming races against otters and fighting sabre-tooth cats are all practical and manly ways of staying fit and strong.

2)      Improve your cave painting skills: An evocative picture of a stick-figure-you taking down a mammoth while in a vicious brawl with Diego from Ice Age can only further her opinion of you. Also, a passionate modern art outline of a hand shows the sensitive and thoughtful side of you.

3)      Be good with the cubs: show that you are ideal material for parenting. You’re doing well if they don’t get eaten by a wolverine; also, practise spear throwing on one another while you are looking after them.

4)      Learn how to cook: Firstly, no salad. Secondly, there is no such thing as excessive force when it comes to cooking; you wrestled the meat when you hunted it and you should wrestle the meat when you are cooking it as well. Cook until the food rolls over and accepts that you are the alpha male.

5)      HUNTING: You can never go wrong with it.

  

Follow these tips and bring out your inner Ug.